On 'zazz and facehair

I'm not sure if you received the memo, but considering there was no memo, I feel I should let you know; the world will be mine.

I know what you're thinking; "oh great, another egomaniac with delusions of grandeur spewing his/her/it's wildest dreams of conquest and domination all over the electric cesspool that is blogspot.com." And you may be right. However, all those other armchair dictators did not have the one key factor that I possess; Pistachio. Some say it is a nut. They are right. BUT THEY ARE WRONG in their assumption that a lowly nut may have sole dominion over the powerful and versatile word of... pistachio.

Pistachio evokes both Pizazz, an essential factor for any global domination movement or off-Broadway show, and Mustachio, one of the mightiest M words in existence. Let us dissect these two words, so as to gain insight in to the future dominion of man.

Pizazz: it's like pissing acid. Pizarro had Pizazz. Pizza has some pizazz, but it's diluted by all the tomato sauce. Anchovies on pizza cancels out any pizazz the pizza has built up, due to their unzazztic nature. It is the driving force behind every major success in the last 700 years. Victims of the black death lacked pizazz. The great artists of the renaissance had so much pizazz that they scooped it up with a shovel and dumped it into the Mediterranean. This 'zazz-dumping is what originally angered the World-Lobster; it hates pizazz, since pizazz poses a potent threat to the enormous arthropod's crustacean dominion (but that's a story for another day). Pizazz is also what allowed someone to write a book, publish a DVD, and become substantially wealthy claiming that there is one 'Secret' driving concept behind all human accomplishment, and that you can harness it by positive thinking. In short, pizazz is the often-alluded to "X-factor" that drives all human accomplishment, and you can harness it by sending me money. It also goes great in smoothies. I take Paypal.

Mustachio: the free dictionary defines Mustachio as "A mustache, especially a luxuriant one." Luxuriant mustaches have been scientifically proven to kick your ass. They are elegant weapons of a more civilized age, and I believe the current budget deficit is directly caused by our recent lack of mustachioed leaders. Coincidentally, spectrometer reports indicate that Barack Obama indeed possesses an ultraviolet mustachio. Hope indeed.

Anyway, I intend to seize the potentially awesome word of "Pistachio" from the public consciousness and use it as the driving force behind my Pizazztic, Mustachioed doom legions. The World-Lobster and its aquatic minions won't stand a chance.


-P to the Razz.

in the 20s, Osama bin Laden would have tied the WTC to a train track while twirling his mustache, especially a luxuriant one.